This isnt happening, right?

I honestly cant remember the last time I hated myself so much.

Everything was fine at school. It was just a normal day, you know? But it all goes to crap by the time we get home and everyones gone to sleep. Mitsuru-senpai, Ikutsuki-san and I had been in the command room, watching Minato and Shokora from the monitors (yes, I know its creepy and I was totally against it, okay?), when Akihiko-senpai called in from somewhere outside.

I didnt even know he went anywhere! But apparently he was gone this entire time and was now leading some giant Shadow right to us?! Yeah. Im not even going into how much I wished I could have slapped him.

We rushed downstairs when Akihiko-senpai got back, but he seemed wounded. Mitsuru-senpai tried to heal him but it wasnt working so well. His ribs were broken.

Thats not even the half of it, either. Mitsuru-senpai then tells me to get Shokora and Minato up, and keep them safe. Just how was I supposed to do that?! Still... its not really my place to object to anything she tells me to do, so I run up there and wake them up. Both of them are alarmed and yet...  I feel like Im the one freaking out the most.

I take them downstairs first. Thats where everyone was, so I figured it might be safest. But when I take them toward the back door, something is slamming against it. Senpai contacts me and tells me that none of these things are the one Akihiko-senpai saw, so I might not be able to get Minato and Shokora out through the back. Amazing. I knew I had a bad feeling about today... why didnt I prepare for this or something? Not that Im sure how I could have...

The shadows kept crashing into the dorms walls. Shokora and I... we were so scared, but Minato somehow could just stand there and act like none of this scared him! How he did that was beyond me, but it was good to have a calm person with us. Part of me wonders if I would have been so lucid if not for him being there. He was so... stable? It helped some.

So I took them up the stairs, where the shadows began to follow us! We ran out the door at the top of the dorm, locking ourselves onto the rooftop and hopefully keeping the shadows away from us. It looked safe up there so I assumed it might be...

But then some really big shadow with a ton of arms and swords and... I dont even know appeared over the ledge of the roof and came towards us. And Im the only one with an evoker here and I cant use it! Im such great help right? Ugh whatismylife.

I tried to shoot it again, but the shadow slapped it away from me. One of its swords cut through my wrist and I was knocked back. Everything was kinda blurry after that... I mean, I heard a gunshot, Minato screaming... and then the shadow was gone. But I didnt know what happened until I looked up to see Minato passing out after beating more of the shadows. ...He beat the shadows. He had a persona, a-and... more than that, he saved us. He saved me when I was supposed to keep him and Shokora safe. Shows how good I am at this sort of thing doesnt it?

Shokora was clearly more upset about this than I was. Not that I wasnt upset, because I was terrified, guilty, so many other things put together that I couldnt even recognize them all. But Shokora started crying over Minato as if he just died and...

I just dont know what to do anymore. If this boy died because of my failure, Im not sure Ill ever forgive myself.

Even today... he... wouldnt wake up. Shokora hardly slept last night. I hardly did, either. I couldnt with that on my mind, not after I messed up so much in trying to save them.

If you live through this, Minato, and you read this someday, Im sorry. Im... so sorry. Ive never hated myself more.

Nightmares

Ive never been as scared as I was last night.

I remember just sitting in the bathroom on the floor with that gun to my head. I left the water running inside so that no one could hear me, but I feel like my heart was beating so fast it could be heard outside the door. Yes, I know thats not possible okay? But go with it.

The gun, or an evoker as Mitsuru-senpai calls it... it felt so cold. The whole time I was crying and I couldnt stop. I wanted to be able to do what my senpai did and summon my persona. I just couldnt pull that trigger, though, and no amount of reassuring could help me stop shaking.

In the end all I did was drop the evoker. That was all I could do because it seemed like I lost the feeling in my hands. I still... kept crying, too! And I look really bad when I cry! Its terrible.

-sigh- Whatever the case, I heard the door opening downstairs so I ran down as soon as I felt I looked somewhat like I hadnt just cried my eyes out over something that shouldnt be so hard. >< When I got down to the lounge of the SEES dorm, I saw the two people about my age that Id never seen before in my life. Who were they and how on earth did they get in?

Turns out they were newcomers to the dorm, just joining... really, really late. Lol, I felt kinda stupid, too, I mean... That poor boy. I pulled the evoker out right in front of him and he looked so freaked out that I could swear he thought I was about to shoot him. Even when Mitsuru-senpai said it wasnt a real gun, he didnt look like he believed her. Neither did the girl beside him, and I could see why. Senpai doesnt seem like the best liar. Then again, neither am I.

...I kinda hope they can just... forget that ever happened and we could start over? God knows I need friends whose first impression of me is as 'the girl who tried to shoot you with a gun.'

I guess it just goes to show that even being popular doesnt mean you always make the best impression. ...Stupid Yukari.

Anyway, until next time, right?

♥ Yukari

Soo...

I havent really done a blog before. Weird, huh? Im actually not sure why I made one, really. I think I just need to write some stuff down sometimes, you know?

I mean, I doubt that anyones going to care or anything.
Though today, a new girl joined the dorm. Shes a sophomore, I think, but shes really quiet and withdrawn from everyone. I would talk to her, but I kinda feel the same way. Its weird living alone with a bunch of seniors that hardly ever talk to you. Having Maemi, thats her name, join is kinda a relief.
But uh... still. No one really talks much, so not much has changed.

Anywayyy, I think this is just an intro post before I actually start writing things that make sense, soooo...! I promise the next one will be more interesting!

Until next time!

♥ Yukari